CSS FOC Day 0
Here I am sitting in the room writing my diary entry while the rest of the community is in the hall having their session. It’s pretty funny to hide away in one corner just like that with few people knowing. Perhaps the people who think I am missing will think that I have something else to do somewhere. Guilt wells up within me. At least some semblance of it. On one hand, I do want to rest and be alone by myself, on the other, I feel this sense of duty to be with the rest of them to do something. Well, I know that I am not indispensable in the camp but I am occupying a room just like that to myself. So odd. A single room all to myself on the 1st floor while the rest of them stay on the upper levels. There seems to be this huge separation.
Just came back from the Faith and Light camp yesterday. It was one of the most fulfilling experiential camp I have been to in my life. It was not like many retreats filled with in-depth reflection or inputs, nor it is like any fun camp like FOC with lots of games and packed schedule. Faith and Light was so relaxing, interspersed with many breaks and time to mull over stuff. Every single moment was relished because it is so hard to come by with the hustle and bustle in daily living.
The intellectually disabled people in Faith and Light is the highlight of the camp. Somewhat, the word ‘highlight’ makes it seem as though we are treating them as museum pieces or that they are animals in the zoo. Definitely, they are the centre of all attention during the whole time because this is what Faith and Light is all about. It is about making the individual special. I recall mentioning that in the utilitarian sense that it is such a waste of money and people’s time to be with these children and supporting them so.
and indeed it is, in a very worldly sense. We are not called to follow this worldly sense I figure. We can never really expect anything from these children, the material aspect at the very least. The parents cannot expect them to support the family when they grow up. It’s about unconditional giving all the way, even when they do hurtful things.
Alaric is such a wise person. During the parents’ session, he mentioned that we have to have our personal time and space so we can reconnect with ourselves. How often have I heard about this, all in various words and forms. Like ‘me-time’ or that we need to be ‘away to recharge’ in our quiet space etc. But Alaric put it so succinctly and to the core of the whole meaning – we need to be in touch with ourselves before we can decide to want to give to others. We don’t give because we feel we have to, that we feel obliged to but rather that we want to, even when the mouth that feeds from our hand bites us. Like when children do hurtful things to their parents even when they have give so much. So many times I have given because of responsibility or that I FEEL I have to do it. Like that time when I was so stressed out from CSS work and had that outburst on my xanga blog. It was all the pent-up frustrations that made me blew up. And I do realize that I have my times when I decide to give without expecting any return. These mostly in terms of relationships (friendships with people like Adeline, Mun etc) and Legion. I never felt that legion work was a big obligation (not much I guess). The meetings feel as though they are part of my life, just like going for mass every Sunday. It’s a have-to-do and because I want to do kinda of thing. Perhaps yes, I have to reconcile with certain tendencies of mine, my attractions to certain ministries and some work and also have the time to reconnect with myself. And of course, not settling in too deeply into my comfort zone.
Raymond, my special partner, is amazing. Apprehension was what I felt before seeing him, especially when Agnes was relating his profile to me. I was fearful about not handling him well, or that rejection that I might face. It is so unpredictable. I guess unpredictability is the top most reason why people are so afraid of the intellectually disabled people. It comes with difficulty of comprehension on both parts and a breakdown of communication, if there was any to begin with. It takes more than our normal worldly way of communicating with one another, talking. It takes time, touch and tolerance on both sides to be able to understand a little more of each other. It takes a lot of patience and understanding to reach a standard of rapport with the other. Raymond, I must say, was easy to handle. Because in essence, he is a little kid and I love children. He is not a brat or anything. It’s just that you’ll never know when he understands you or not when you speak to him, just like talking to a baby. So you coo and just keep talking to him, hoping that he catches on what you say somehow. I never knew why but I always talk Chinese to children and even to Raymond even when Theresa said that they try to talk to Raymond using English so it won’t confuse him with 2 languages.
Raymond can be very docile and loves junk food. But at times, he can be so active and jump like a monkey (literally hopping and waving his hand in front of his mouth). His most memorable idiosyncrasy is taking a book fanning the pages facing you for many many times. I was intensely moved when Uncle Steven took a keychain out and made Raymond place it in my hand. It was a little globe of the world. Uncle Steven said that ‘it was his world and now he is giving it to you. Because he thanks you for everything.’ I was even slightly tearing as I grasped the little world in my hand, thinking about what Raymond might have meant. Indeed as I related it to the rest on the bus later – Raymond may not be able to talk, but he speaks volumes. The little world that he gave to me was so symbolic of the unconditional giving of everything. The totality of it all stuck me. How much it would have meant to me – just a keychain? But it was a world to him. A world to him. Even after it all, Raymond could only give his blank stare and smile, but beneath all that, who knows what he could have meant. And I bet, he meant a lot.
I was so touched by so many giving souls in Faith and Light. These people dispelled my skepticism of doing so much and achieving apparently so little. The kids went back the same as they came in, like there were no changes on the surface. And even under it all, we don’t even know there are any benefits to it all. But what they said was right, the kids might, MIGHT have left no different, but the rest of us did. At least I did. I guess the parents left feeling more supported and less alone. The people who helped out left feeling less broken and more confident of loving and living. The sense of mission, to live and achieving the smallest thing in life (and probably nothing in the eyes of the world) is immensely evident in all our faces after the camp. I left feeling more reconnected with myself and what I want to give, even when the mouth I feed bites my own hand.
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